I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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