this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
