Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
