Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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