I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
