I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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