My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
