Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
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All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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