I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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