i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
