alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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