I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
