There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
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Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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