i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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