why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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