I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
