You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
do herpes really smell.
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i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
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You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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