dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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