Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
