Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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