i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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