why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
