not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
