Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
