My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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