so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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