Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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