why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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