i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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