what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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