WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
