Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
