Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
