Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
