how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
