I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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