shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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