The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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