if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
