He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
