cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
