I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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