I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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