Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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