Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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