Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
