I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He better not be in your backpack
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
