wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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