this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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