The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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