he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
