Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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