please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
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I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
