It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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