my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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