I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
