the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
