How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
