Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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